doorway thoughts

Hey...
I feel a bit like I'm greeting an old friend whom I haven't seen in a very long time.... I feel a certain awkwardness. It's been a while. What to say?

This blog has seen me through six of the most intense months of my life to-date. I haven't always made visible what I faced underneath each post, but I found writing here incredibly helpful. That aside though... the friends and family who read and responded to my posts here... You... are what brought joy and encouragement to this little site. Thank you.
I praise God for You.

Today I spent just remembering how much fun it is to have time to procrastinate over something inevitable... namely, this 'update'. I've been working full time, and when I'm not working, I'm either sleeping, or *out*. Crazy lifestyle. 'Normal' lifestyle. I don't recommend it.

I feel gnarled and grotesquely disfigured; very much like an old cherry tree that began as a smooth and vibrant young sapling, yet as it grew and struggled through season after season, its supple bark cracked into a coarse reflection of the cruelty of experience, rusted with sap-runs and deftly twisted from winds and heat.
I know my life experience is nothing. Nothing compared to the vast majority of people out there; people who continue to stand rooted, patiently experiencing season after season of hardships far deeper then any I could empathize with... and joys far surpassing any I will ever taste in this life. I know I am very young, and even more naive.
But God has seen fit to give me a testimony... one which I feel has matured immensely over the last year. Over the last week. One which, for me, is extremely relevant.

I've always been very hesitant about sharing my 'testimony' with people, because it seemed much too trivial. A testimony is the voice of a profound and utterly supernatural work of the Holy Spirit in one's life. And what of that magnitude could ever have been seen in my sheltered and comfortable life? Surely nothing that could dramatically touch the heart of any person longing to see how God could work in one's life.
But now, standing in this doorway gazing back over my struggles and joys, I see so many instances that display God's faithfulness to me. Times when I have been overwhelmed by my own brokenness... times of utter failure and defeat... times of pain and confusion... everything that has been born out of my pathetic humanness, is nothing less then a testament of my need for a Savior, Lord, and Friend. Those are my testimony. And perhaps... someday, when I share it with someone who might relate, God will profoundly touch them through it. After all, my testimony should display nothing but my brokenness and failure, and God's utter faithfulness and love... it's His testimony over my life. It's His to share with whom He will... and my task to honestly share it.
I am telling you this not because I have any right to boast... but because perhaps it will help you look at the hardships and trials you face in a different light. A light with which I have seldom seen what I have faced.
God allows in our lives many seasons of hardship and pain. Many things which, to us, are so severe that we eventually come to look honestly upon our own insufficiency. Then, through His great supremacy, God opens our eyes and allows us to see where our Help comes from. That is testimony. That should eventually become the joy that replaces the faithless regrets we so often hold dearly in our hearts.
Do not look upon past hardships and trials with regret... unless you are even now unwilling to allow God to change you through them. If you pride fully hold on to your mistakes, don't expect God to be free to build a testimony with them. But if you surrender everything... from the greatest failure, to the smallest stumble, God will be able to transform your brokenness into His greatest triumphs.
That is what we should ask for when we pray for the coming year. We should not be focused on seeking happiness or comfort... Jesus exhorted us to take up our cross and follow him... not our lawn chairs. The life of a Christian is not a pleasant life. Christ, when He carried His cross the entire distance to His death, was broken and hurt. Why do we think we deserve more then that during our short walk unto our earthly death?

Hope for healing. Hope for the joy that comes from serving and sacrifice. Hope for a closer relationship with Christ our savior. Hope for God's ever faithful plans for us... plans for good, and not for harm, for all those who are called according to His mighty purpose. Hope for the moment when we are allowed into heaven.

Perhaps, just as that old gnarled cherry tree is still able to produce a sweet and abundant fruit from the life given it's core, we might produce Spiritual fruit from the indwelling of the Holy Spirit that God wills be poured into us.

Endless days are haunting me

Which contains the greater merit? Vision, or Wisdom? Some people write with vision. Others write with Wisdom. And I'm sure some write with some of both.Wisdom, they say, is gained by experience. Vision, though, is often lost through experience. Time brings experience.

"The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me.
Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name!"
-Jesus (John 12:23-28)

....There is vision. There is wisdom.

It is for this very hour that I am here. Lord help me glorify You.

spiteful eyes are watching me, in everything I do

I think I know

'Well I think I’ll head to bed now
try to forget this night 'cause
all my friends have gone home
to call it a night ‘cause they’ve all had a blast
and it’ll take at least till tomorrow
to remember just how all the stories really happened

I'll get to hear all about it
but that'll just make me feel worse
like how I'm feeling about how it's over
too late for me to come in late

I always take the wrong turns
'cause I try to drive the best I can,
I always end up missing the fun
this turn left me stranded at home with all the dishes

//I think I know / yeah I’ll throw myself a bash / I’ll invite no one / while I wait for someone to come and crash it for me / la la hurrah I’ll crank up the silence and play solitaire / make them wish I had been there / la la hurrah for me... la la hurrah //

I'm feeling like I'm falling out of the circle
and it's not what I hoped for
but maybe this circle is not what I'm here for
and maybe, maybe I should turn off this turnaround
try driving by the road signs you've given me
and maybe, maybe by then I won't need to run

so I think I know
all this fun isn't worth the time I spend trying to keep up
help me be content with You'

-Bright Noise

This is an old bit... a punk rock wannabe, but I can relate to some of it. Go figure... I'm trying to slow down and let God point out what He wants me busy with.




Anyway... something else to think about....

'If it was God's will to bruise His own Son (Isaiah 53:10), why shouldn't He bruise you? What shines forth and reveals God in your life is not your relative consistancy to an idea of what a saint should be, but your genuine, living relationship with Jesus Christ, and your unrestrained devotion to Him wether you are well or sick.'
-Mr. Oswald Chambers

How long?

'If the LORD delights in a man's way,
he makes his steps firm;
though he stumble, he will not fall,
for the LORD upholds him with his hand.'
(Psalm 37:23-24)


...how many times do we have to fall? How long before we'll start to try and delight God with our way?